A bit rough? Scary even?
So… Yesterday was an exception.
And by that, I mean that most days the conversation goes like this.
Okay, I’m up.
Then the daily routine goes along the lines as yesterday except without itching my head so much – ’cause nits have that ability to infect anyone using just the power of thought. say the word nit and.. there you go.. itchy head. Just like a yawn. Heheh.
It also doesn’t have the amount of profanity or internal ball-busting that yesterday’s conversation had. Truth be told, it is normally pretty boring.
Uh, okay. Intensely boring. Mostly because I don’t start thinking properly until java number three, which is sometime between hoovering and checking emails.
But then there are the exceptional days.
The days where everything is off. Where I’m just. So. Grrr. LEAVE-ME-ALONE!
The days where my internal mechanic starts trying to figure out what is wrong and which part needs fixing, or replacing. Most-times these days last for, well, a day-ish. Other times it lasts slightly longer.
Once upon a time it lasted for far too long but being the rational human I am, I fought my feelings. Terrified that should I even cast a sideways glance their way that I would unleash the ultimate Hell into the world. Of course my struggles only caused that big old saucepan of Hell to spew out anyway. Only then did I admit defeat and call in the Calvary. But that was then. This is now.
Now I’m not scared.
Life before kids was good. Life after kids is great. But it has meant a massive attitude adjustment, some deep soul-searching and honest conversations with friends and family, but most of all complete open-ness with myself. To the point where although that level of honesty sounds tough, it’s actually a survival requirement.
I once had a counselor tell me that feelings are not ‘good’ or ‘bad’ but that they are just a symptom of what was happening below the surface. I still remember the three sides to that conversation;
Me: So wanting to throw the chair through the window is not a bad thing?
Me (2): yeah right lady, who’s the cuckoo-bird now?
Me: Uh huh.
Me (2): whatev’s, lets just go. Math has to be better than this.
Of course her logic was lost on me. I was thirteen and by definition I was an inward focused teen who didn’t have a clue.
Now I’m an introverted adult who still doesn’t have much of a clue, but at least now I get it.
Yesterday I was angry. Why? Just because. I’d like to say it didn’t matter, but it did. Because although I was angry, it wasn’t the anger that needed addressing, it was the underlying cause. If that wasn’t acknowledged and dealt with, then anger would turn to rage and then the Calvary gets involved… blah blah.
So apparently after nine years I am still adjusting to motherhood and having people in my space when I need quiet time. So you see, the ‘Why’ yesterday was unavoidable and illogical and Anger was just a reaction.
On any average ‘Introvert Spaz’ moment, just give me space, my headphones and a lawn mower, point me in the general direction of a yard and I am fine. Jubilant even. All I need is space and time inside my own head.
But yesterday I needed more than space, I needed an outlet. Sometimes there is no explanation for the way we feel. Sometimes the demons are stir-crazy and need a run. Whatever the reason the important thing is that we DEAL WITH IT.
Not by fighting it or blocking it off with drink, drugs or stuff designed to make us feel differently. But that we ACCEPT the feeling.
That we let that anger and frustration roll over us, acknowledge it, let it have it’s say. In my case I throw on some headphones, crank up Imagine Dragons, Linkin Park, Springsteen, Fall-Out-Boy lie down and release the demons into a safe and secure environment. Let those fiery buggers burn their lego houses down until there is one left, then let them fight over who gets to burn it down. Slowly, they’ll wear themselves out and crawl back into their cages all by themselves.
See with this honesty I’ve also found HEART and SOUL. Yes they have been broken, yes they will shatter and tear again, but, like the scars on my tummy, they rebuild as character development.
This honesty transposes to those around me and I find it easier to say, “You know what? I’m really not feeling well, rain-check?” or, “Gosh, you look amazing.” and “Are you Okay?” I also know when others need a hug – and have the God’s honest courage to walk up and give them one.
I also find it easier to laugh and just as I acknowledge the lows, the highs seem to tag along and for some reason I feel like I’m having more FUN with life.
Last night I was exhausted. The demons had run amok for most of the morning, I was shaken at the intensity but relieved it was all but over. Today I am still exhausted. But hey, that’s life. And we only get one of those.
Oh and just in case you are wondering?
I didn’t have to tell Mister M anything yesterday. He already knew.
Oh and ps. Here’s something I found from Louis CK which about hits the nail on the head (about experiencing feelings, and stuff) – enjoy.